Dating, Discipleship, and Dilemmas: Your Questions Answered

Some great questions came up from the first post and I’d like to address them here in much shorter answers. I pray that my thoughts will be clearly grace-shaped pieces of wisdom. I’ve addressed three other situations in the second post: what if you’re already dating a non-believer; what if you’re wanting to date them to win them (ie missionary dating); and what if you’re already married to a non-believer? Check that one out too.

1. How do I walk with a Christian friend who is dating a non-believer?

“…speak the truth in love…” – Ephesians 4:15

The first thing I’d say is avoid the ‘warn and dump’. Don’t go in with guns blazing, drop the mic, and ‘destroy’ them with your biblical knowledge and logic. Rather, commit to staying with them.

The most helpful thing you can do is gently and clearly open the Bible with them. Help them see God’s good design for spiritually united marriages, the pattern of wisdom and obedience in avoiding spiritually mixed partnerships, and the deeper hope they have in Christ – even if that hope involves prolonged singleness.

And if they feel isolated or conflicted, be the person who shows them they’re not alone. Remind them, in love and your humble presence, that following Jesus is always better, even when it's costly. Continue to walk closely with them. Don’t disappear.

One final encouragement – conversations of these hard nature require the surgical precision of a scalpel. People are complex. Don’t come marching in with a sledge hammer, even if you are deeply concerned or annoyed at the situation.

2. Should Christians attend the wedding of a Christian friend and a non-Christian?

This is a tender one. I know some who have had such strong convictions they refused to attend an engagement party, and some who also didn’t attend the wedding ceremony.

While it’s natural to hold deep convictions about God’s design for marriage, attending the wedding isn’t necessarily an affirmation of every aspect of the union — especially the spiritual mismatch. Rather, your presence can be a gracious act of friendship, a way of saying, “I love you, and I’m here for you, even if I have reservations.”

Let’s say you’ve lovingly and consistently urged your friend not to pursue a relationship with a non-believer, but despite your warnings, the relationship progressed and they’ve now decided to marry. It’s still a valid marriage in God’s eyes – between a man and a woman – though it clearly disobeys his word about marrying within the faith.

Have a think about this. When Ezra and Nehemiah confronted intermarriage, they rebuked and disciplined those involved, but they didn’t demand divorce. The marriages were still valid in God’s eyes. Relationship was maintained.

I think, outside of being unavailable, one of the reasons we may convictionally refuse an invitation is because we believe the marriage is biblically invalid. I think the marriage between a believer and unbeliever may be disobedient, but not invalid.

At some point, then, our role shifts. We move from warning to walking alongside – maintaining the friendship as best we can to love and support them moving forward. Jesus doesn’t sever relationships easily – even church discipline stops short of total cut-off. So how much more should we, in love, keep walking with a friend who’s taking a painful and disobedient step?

If you go, be clear about your convictions before the wedding. Keep calling them to repentance and deeper discipleship. And if they go ahead anyway, don’t disappear – love them. Support them. Invite them back into community. Because if all their Christian friends vanish, who will walk with them as they try to live out 1 Peter 3:1–2? I mentioned in my last post the anecdote of the woman who felt increasingly more lonely post-marriage to a non-believer – if you step back, who will be there to support them in that loneliness? Don’t just make a statement - make a home for them to be safe in and return to.

3. When should an older believer start dating a new believer?

Here’s a helpful way to think about it: don’t date converts; date disciples. Conversion is a moment – discipleship is a direction. And we should focus on disciples who are on a positive trajectory, rather than just those who hit a checklist.

The basic issue is that a new believer needs time to mature. To develop roots, learn spiritual rhythms, and grow in their identity in Christ before navigating the complexities of a romantic relationship.

I’ve seen couples where one partner was newly converted, and I advised them to wait. Give him time. My primary concern was that if they started dating now it would lock in his spiritual progression to be consistently behind hers, which would mean he would consistently rely on her leadership. He needed time to grow his own faith. I was deeply moved that they accepted my pastoral counsel, especially the new convert. But that time allowed him to mature, develop spiritual momentum, and become a better partner long-term.

If you’re the more mature believer, be wise. Don’t let your longing override your leadership (even if you’re the woman who is more mature). Wait to watch the young converts’ growth – give them a chance to spread their spiritual wings so that they know how to lean on Christ alone. If their growth is slow or very small, that provides you with more information to consider before entering into a relationship.

“If we decided to break up, I think I’d be sad. But I can honestly say that I’d still want to follow Christ, and I still want to do it at our church.” This is what that new convert said to me after 6 months of waiting. I hope that for everyone in this position.

4. Should the church baptise someone who is dating, engaged to, or newly married to a non-Christian?

This requires pastoral wisdom, not a checkbox. Baptism isn’t about arriving at perfection – it’s about declaring union with Christ. So the key question is: does this person understand the cost of following Jesus? Have they come to trust Him as Saviour and Lord?

If someone is actively disregarding clear biblical counsel, or unwilling to examine the relationship in light of Christ’s teaching, then the issue may not be baptism itself – it may be the integrity of their faith. I hope this becomes clear to the pastors or elders leading people in their baptism interview.

But if they’re walking with humility, even amid confusion or complicated circumstances, it may be right to baptise them – while continuing discipleship conversations. Baptism marks a beginning, not an endpoint, and it’s the church’s responsibility to shepherd new believers through these tensions with clarity and grace.

Remember too, it’s always an option for the church to tell this person ‘wait’. Baptism isn’t the most urgent item in their lives at this point.

5. What do I do as a parent watching my child date a non-Christian?

This can feel heartbreaking. You might feel fear, disappointment, or even confusion. But resist the temptation to panic or take firm-handed control. Instead, gently and prayerfully engage. Ask them what place Jesus has in their life and in their relationship. Be lovingly clear about what you believe, and why it matters - but do so with open ears and a soft voice.

And here’s something hard but necessary: don’t assume your child is a Christian just because they once professed faith. If they're persistently choosing against God’s Word, this may reveal deeper issues of the heart. The relationship may be a symptom of something much more profoundly deep. So, your goal in engaging with them is to not only communicate that you care about their relationship, but you care more about their eternal state.

That doesn’t mean withdrawing your love - it means doubling down on prayer, a humble and gentle presence, and truth spoken over time. God hasn’t finished writing their story, so don’t give up on them.

6. What would you do if one of your leaders at church started dating a non-Christian?

This is a tough conversation to have, and I think it also depends on their level of leadership.

If they’re serving in a team role, I’d begin with a conversation to understand both the nature of the relationship and their understanding of God’s Word on this issue. As I mentioned in my first post, I’m encountering more people who just have no clue. So, I can’t blame them for not knowing immediately, but I’d want to pastor them from understanding to application. Whether they respond with repentance or resistance reveals what’s happening in the heart - and that’s where pastoring must aim.

However, the higher the leadership responsibility, the more I’d lean towards stepping them down.

Again, it depends heavily on both the conversation and their level of leadership. But the more they are responsible for leading people the more they need to be living a life that is above reproach (cf 1 Timothy 3:2). The reason why is not because leaders are called to a higher standard of faith, but they are called to higher visibility and accountability. They are to be living examples of wise, gospel-shaped, decision-making and living.

Dating a non-Christian is a serious red-flag that suggests a pattern of poor discernment, a drift from scriptural authority, or an unwillingness to count the cost of following Jesus. None of these are qualities we want to model to the flock.

The loving and responsible step is to step back from leadership, even if just temporarily, and submit to the care and counsel of wise, godly overseers and pastors.

I want to be clear on this: it’s not a punishment – it’s protection. For them, for the person they’re dating, for the church family watching on, and for our gospel witness to the world.

If the person remains resistant to correction, that may reveal deeper issues at play. But if they respond humbly, it could be a powerful opportunity for repentance and restoration – the very kind of redemptive leadership we want to model to the church.

It’ll be a good idea to seek counsel from other leaders, elders and pastors on how to navigate this – not just for clarity, but for unity in how leadership decisions are modelled to the church.