Walking With Jesus When The Person You’re Dating Doesn’t
I’ve decided to split this post into two further posts. The questions that came were excellent, and I ended up writing more than expected. So, here’s post 2 of (now) 3.
In the previous post we walked through the Bible and saw that it not only speaks clearly against marrying a non-believer, but the weight of scripture – its implications and wise application – also falls against dating non-believers. We saw that marriage is a picture of the gospel, and dating’s primary purpose is: discerning whether marriage is right, good and godly with this person.
When you’re dating, you’re working out whether or not you should be married to this person. And if you’re considering a non-believer, the answer is already clear before the first date ever happens – no.
But we left the last post recognising that some of us were asking, “What if I’m already in this situation?” Or some of us are looking in on a situation where we see beloved friends, or family, in this situation. My last post laid down the theology – what the Bible says on the topic. But this one is going to push it into the mess of our lives. The grey, the broken, the grieved, the heartache of loneliness (both in singleness… and in relationships where the other doesn’t share your faith).
It's here we remember the power of the gospel – that Jesus has come into our brokenness and mess. It’s where he does his best work – especially if we would listen, humbly repent, and turn to him in faith and obedience. It may not be easy – there are some very big calls I will make in this post – but I hope we can see them as good and wise calls stemming from a gospel-shaped desire.
There’s a number of points I want to cover in this post, and I’m going to frame them simply. First I want to help us gain clarity – about the issues and what’s at stake. Next I’ll touch on the courage required to act in that situation. These may be challenging, but the call to follow Jesus always requires self-denial. And the difficult call of God always comes with comfort, which we’ll consider as well.
Here are the following areas we’ll touch on:
1. If you’re already dating a non-Christian
2. If you’re thinking about missionary dating
3. If you’re already married to a non-Christian
There are heaps of questions I’ve received as well, and I’ll need to answer them in a separate post in the next day or two.
1. If You’re Already Dating a Non-Christian
Clarity
Sometimes we discover after the fact that something isn’t a good idea. Maybe you’ve found yourself here.
First, let’s be reminded that dating is never a casual experience, but a formative one. I suspect if you’ve been dating for some time, you’ve discovered this for yourself. The person you date shapes your time, values, desires, habits, and – crucially – trajectory. Biblically, marriage is meant to reflect the deep and spiritual oneness of Christ and the church (cf Ephesians 5:32). Dating is meant to move us towards that covenant – but you know that you can’t do that when the spiritual unity is absent at the most fundamental level.
Even if things feel fine now, your lives – and eternities – are moving in different directions.
A couple of personal anecdotes here:
Marriage doesn’t solve the problem – it only exacerbates it. I often say to engaged couples that anything you see now that is concerning becomes magnified in marriage, not smoothed out. The spiritual gap that you’re hopefully noticing now will become a chasm.
I once heard a woman share that she feared loneliness while single, so she dated and eventually married a non-believer. But her loneliness was compounded even further in marriage because they didn’t share a common faith. Take this to heart.
Courage
I once heard respected Bible teacher Philip Jensen say that if you’re dating a non-believer, then the most powerful evangelistic sermon you could ever preach to them is to break up with them. As painful as it is, it tells the non-believer that the most important thing in your life is Jesus.
That might be unthinkable, especially if your emotions and affections for the person are deep. But discipleship is costly. Jesus calls us to love him above even our closest relationships (cf Luke 14:26). He’s not being harsh, he’s being honest about the priority and cost of following him.
The alternative – staying in the relationship – compromises this message. You may say Jesus is your greatest priority, but a non-believer soon works out that the longer you stay in the relationship, the more willing you are to compromise on this.
So, obedience in this moment may feel like death – but it’s the kind of death that leads to life.
Comfort
Jesus is not calling you away from love, but to a better one. The promise is not that you’ll be sent a new boyfriend or girlfriend – but that his love and compassion are going to sustain you. He understands that the pain is real, your grief and loss are substantial, and he sees your sacrifice for him.
He also promises that no one who gives up something for his sake will fail to receive far more in him (cf Mark 10:29-30).
So, friend, be comforted that if you’ve made a bad decision here, there is no condemnation – only grace and an invitation to walk forward with him in faith. My hope and prayer is that your church and Christian community will be constantly beside you as you do.
2. If You’re Hoping They’ll Come To Faith (Missionary Dating)
Clarity
First, I want to affirm that your desire for your partner to know Jesus and follow him is a beautiful thing. However – and this is a BIG but – dating them isn’t the means God intends for evangelism. ‘Missionary dating’ (or ‘flirt to convert’) places the hope of salvation in them forming an emotional attachment and connection with you that then might allow them to be open towards hearing the gospel.
Which thoroughly confuses spiritual direction with romantic desire, and clouds whether they are coming to Jesus because he is all-delightful and satisfying (and forgiving and Lord) or because of you. No matter how you slice it, continuing the path of missionary dating places you precariously at the centre and not Jesus.
At this point, I’d like to clarify why some missionary dating relationships have been successful. I don’t want to minimise the real affection and joy that may have developed in these relationships. But even so, it’s essential to remember that God’s mercy is not an endorsement of our methods.
Consider this analogy. Some people have survived serious car accidents even though they weren’t wearing a seatbelt. But just because they survived doesn’t make it wise to drive unbuckled, nor an endorsement that “It could work out for you too!” Survival was an act of God’s mercy. God bringing someone to faith through a romantic relationship with a Christian isn’t proof that missionary dating works – it’s proof that God can write straight with crooked lines. It’s a testimony to his grace, not our strategy.
Courage
At this point, it’s common to start thinking, “I might be their best chance at knowing Jesus.” Or, as I’ve heard it put before, “They don’t have anyone else sharing the gospel with them.”
Friend, that pressure isn’t yours to carry. You are not their saviour – and you don’t need to disobey God to help someone come to faith. Letting go may feel like you’re shutting the door on their salvation, but in reality, you’re letting God be God. You’re saying, “I can trust you to work, even without me at the centre of their story.”
Let me encourage you to invite them to church. Invite them to get to know other believers and step back. Let them get connected to other men and women in your church community – encourage other brothers and sisters around you to connect with them and evangelise them. It will be wise to distance yourself so that Jesus takes centre stage and the spotlight, rather than they try to turn it back to you. If they react negatively to this, or if they decline, that tells you a heap about their character – and trajectory.
(Am I saying that you shouldn’t try to evangelise them? Yes. Because you should not trust your heart in this matter. Trust God to be at work.)
Comfort
As you do this, remember: God loves them more than you do. He sees them. He knows them. And he is more committed to their salvation than you could ever be. Walking away from missionary dating doesn’t mean walking away from love – it means entrusting them to the one who actually saves.
And for you, it means freedom. You get to seek a relationship where you can worship together, pray together, and grow together – not just hope one day that might happen.
3. If You’re Married To Someone Who Doesn’t Yet Believe
Clarity
There are those who have converted after marriage, and there are those who have read this or separately come to the conviction that marrying a non-believer was not a good idea.
First, I’d like to say that you are not in sin. In fact, Scripture speaks with tenderness and hope to your situation. Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, says clearly: if your spouse is willing to stay, you should stay. Your presence in the marriage is sanctifying – in how you conduct yourself, how you seek to show grace when they mess up and how you seek forgiveness when you mess up. Peter sees this conduct as the quiet witness which may powerfully testify to the goodness of the gospel and win them over (cf 1 Peter 3:1-2). It’s not through pressure or preaching, but honourable conduct and gentle presence that wins your spouse to Jesus.
Courage
Living out your faith in a spiritually mismatched marriage can be incredibly hard. You may feel alone in prayer, unsupported in decision-making, or misunderstood in your deepest desires. But faithfulness here is powerful – and not just for your spouse, but also for your children.
It may not be as visible or as celebrated as other forms of ministry – but your quiet endurance, gentle truthfulness, and consistent love may speak more loudly than you realise.
Let me encourage you – as best you can – maintain the priority of fellowship in your life. Fellowship with other believers on Sunday mornings, and with some form of growth group or bible study during the week. You’ll need support, and the church community should be around you, giving you that.
Comfort
Take heart, Jesus is close to those who feel alone. He promises strength for each day and wisdom for every step. Your marriage may not reflect the ideal, but it is still a place where God is at work. You are not failing. You are not forgotten.
Final Encouragement
Remember, no matter what your situation, Jesus doesn’t crush bruised reeds. He invites you to bring your burdens and the weariness of these circumstances to him – and to find rest in him. Rest may involve humbly listening to him to take up your cross and follow him – and faithfulness calls on us to have the courage to follow through.
I want to be clear that faithfulness may look different in each situation, but the goal is the same: to walk more closely with Jesus – to his glory and our joy. What I’ve written over these two posts may be a little black and white in places, and that’s intentional. I want us, and myself, to have clear biblically rooted principles to apply.
But we apply them to complex people, and I never expect every conversation to go the same way, nor every person to know the principles well or apply them consistently. The goal of every conversation is the mountain peak of following Jesus – and there may be many paths to take to get there.
Finally, my friend – if you’ve been reading this and struggling, I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s grace for where you’ve been, strength for where you are, and hope for where you’re going. Jesus is committed to helping you grow through this if you would listen to his word. He hasn’t finished with you yet.
In the next post I’ll answer some of your questions. But for now, do you have any other questions or thoughts? Post them in the comments :)
